Emotional help/Thread where we talk about our problems

[SilberDrachen893 94]

Hey there.

Just wanted to make a thread where all us troubled people can come and just write out our feelings, so when someone having the same thing comes along, they will gain a confidence boost knowing that they're not the only one suffering whatever tortures them. 

So feel free to write a post as long as you want, share meaningful love and support.

 

Now here's what's happening to me.

I am a weak and lowly motivated man. I love my safe space in my apartment behind the computer. I love being free, I love the video games I play, I love sleeping whenever I want and I love to consume various luxuries like good food and great alcoholic drinks. My family is poor, the apartment is small and everything I have so far has been with my school's monthly stipendium/allowance. I live a comfortable life with comfortable clothes on my back. I have mid-level education(one lower from high education), and I served in my city's military for 7 months before being released for tenuous bones, which would explain why I've always felt weak and tired. What I remember of my social life, I was accepted and a good friend to everyone. But what I call the "party" (Meaning the time when I was out every friday night, drinking, having fun with people) when it ended, I've just always felt like I'm noone important to anyone, a failure at any job I'll try to do, missing any crucial information as I dose off into my own mind when listening to someone talk about something lawful.

I've always been a fan of the military. I like guns, I like armored vehicles, I was eager to learn tactics, learn how to be a leader, etc. I signed up for the military police, but also got infantry training, and we got to take part in ceremonies. I ended up seeing half of Estonia and I've done stuff that I never expected to in the past. Spend 5 days in the forest only eating MRE's, do 10 to 45km of walking with all my gear on my back, qualify for an actual assault rifle, attend a ceremony for our new president-elect and our first female president, etc. But for the price of doing those few 15-minutes of fame, I spent the rest of the time wandering around the barracks, looking at the same annoying white brick walls, pushing a mop around, following orders, standing at presidential guard, sit at a reception desk, listen to the others make cheap and childish jokes about me. I started to lose my mind for good. I thought I'll spend the free time trying to meditate and advance my persona, but sharing the room with people who don't speak my language(mental thought), just worsened the migraine I was suffering for almost over two years. 

The migraine started when I met a girl who I started dating. I was 17 and wanted to support this broken girl until she got back up. The 1 year and 3 month relationship was great when we actually met in real life and did things that couples do, but everything else was just.. numb and dull. I said to myself that I'll just let her dump me and I'll continue my life, doing whatever I want. But I did one mistake. I got too attached to her. At the final months of our relationship, she did enter a stage where we could hold a conversation that held my interest, and I finally started to think maybe I can stay in a relationship with her. Ha. Ha. She started going out, she spent a day or two after work at my place, but you know how heartbreaking it is to have someone tell you they'd rather spend their time with friends drinking, than with you? Enough was enough. I dumped her, then I took her back, and then I dumped her again. Saying that she has been a mindfuck for long enough. As I sent that text to her, I was on my way to the city. That was the night when the "party" stage started. After a week I wanted to see how she was doing, and she told me that she was doing great. She got high and had a friend take her virginity. Came to me as a shock and I blocked her on all social media. After I joined the military, I served for a few months, then during my service I had some foot pains. I was sent to an MRI scan and they found that my bones are seethrough. I was sent to a health center to take off the pressure, and I could spend almost all of my time in their wifi. There she wrote me again over a year. She told me that her boyfriend had been cheating on her eversince the day they got together. Honestly I laughed at the situation, because after I blocked her, whenever I couldn't stop thinking of her, I told myself "I hope that fucker cheats." And he did. Victory point for me. She told me that I can have booty calls, and thinks about taking me back. I said yeah for both, one is a lie. 

After that we talk for a bit, she seemed more talkative than before, but not to the point of my satisfaction. She is definitely hotter than before, so who wouldn't agree for a session.  

New year's eves never seem to turn out great for me. 16 to 17 wasn't different. I was a receptionist at my base, had to spend the whole night filling out documents and counting the inventory. Quiet, boring, isolated. She told me that she got drunk and made out with some random dude. I almost threw my fucking phone into shatters. 

You know that feeling when something is telling you that you're in a relationship with someone, but you're not, and everything she does with others makes you feel like you're being cheated on? Yeah, that one.

Now I'm out of service 4 months before the reserve. I asked her to hang out, but no response. Later I messaged her on facebook, she doesn't talk much or just sends a selfie, completely overthrowing the topic. I feel like I've failed as I got attached to her. My whole fucking mindset and everything that I see is beautiful is her.. a fucking woman who shows almost zero attachment to me.

Here's something to clarify what I'm talking about: I'm running on limited mobile 4G internet. I sent an SMS to her number, letting her know that I'm out of space. Not 3 seconds pass when she asks "who is dis" and I say who I am. Then she just sends an "oh, sorry, my bad, didn't save your number lol" and when I try to talk a bit more, the responses take a long while.

For now since I feel like my vision is fading and I'm not even drunk, this is my message for her:

"I CAN'T FUCKING TRUST YOU"  

[Shimozukachi 481]

telling the internet your problems is the best available thing so.... go kill yourself for no reason!

(a translated quote of juliensblog)

Edited January 19, 2017 by Shimozukachi